Yesterday’s postaday topic was to describe the perfect crime. I can’t describe the perfect crime, but here are some “do’ s and don’ts ” gleaned from my years as a criminal defense attorney:
1. Don’t commit a crime with other people. Nine out of ten defendants are “given up” by their co-conspirators. If it comes to you are them, they are going to choose themselves. Every single time!
2. Don’t commit an armed robbery at your place of employment. (Yes, even if you wear a mask.) Someone can still identify you without seeing your face. Maybe it’s your distinctive booming voice made for radio, your fiery red hair that slipped from under the ski mask or the scorpion tattoo between your thumb and index finger that gives you away. Your co-workers will know it’s you.
3. Make sure the getaway car is tuned-up and in proper working order.
4. Don’t bring identification. You are one dropped wallet away from being caught.
5. Remember to take off your work ID, badge or uniform that has your name on it.
6. Don’t wear pants that sag, shoes with long laces or, for the ladies, extremely high heels.
7. If you need to call the police to your home, get rid of all illegal drugs or stolen property first.
8. Don’t take photos of your crime with your cellphone to memorialize the occasion.
9. Don’t confess to anyone – the 911 operator (those calls are recorded), your cellmate (see #1 – they are always looking for their own deal), a relative ( the reward money will trump family loyalty) or your significant other. (She may not tell immediately, but once you make her mad. . . )
10. If you have an outstanding arrest warrant or drugs on your person, don’t visit someone in jail or go to the courthouse.
BONUS: If you must drink to the point of becoming intoxicated, DON’T drink before you: drive, report to your probation or parole officer, appear in court on your traffic ticket and if you must call 911 get a sober person to do it.
But the real lesson is “don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.”